If you grew up in a home with an alcoholic parent, there is a very good chance you experienced trauma, and your emotional, psychological, and physical well-being may have been affected. Statistics show that more than 1 in 4 children younger than 18 years of age has been exposed to alcohol abuse or alcohol dependence by a family member. Another study from 2017 revealed that 10.5% of children aged 17 or younger lived in a household with at least one parent who had an alcohol use disorder. If you are an adult child of an alcoholic (sometimes referred to as an ACoA), this blog will help you better understand the impacts that growing up with an alcoholic parent may have had on you. It will outline three common traits of an alcoholic home, explain some of the common characteristics that adult children of alcoholics share, and provide actionable suggestions for next steps if you’re ready to move forward in your healing journey.
Three Characteristics of an Alcoholic Home
While every home is unique, some characteristics are common in an alcoholic home. According to Dr. Claudia Black, an addiction author and speaker, three of those characteristics are home environments that are not trusting, not feeling, and not talking.
- Not trusting. Children need consistency and confidence that the adult in their life will support them no matter what. In homes with a parent or guardian with a substance addiction, children often receive mixed and inconsistent messages or observe inconsistent behaviors such as mood swings or broken promises. This is confusing and makes it hard for children to know what to expect.
- Not talking. Talking about addiction can be difficult under the most caring and trusting circumstances, but it is rarely, if ever, discussed in an alcoholic household. This may begin with family members making excuses, rationalizing the addiction, or hoping that not talking about it will help it go away. This is also hard on children because they don’t know how to talk about their parent’s addiction, and over time, they might worry they won’t be believed if they do talk about it.
- Not feeling. It isn’t easy to share feelings in an environment where distrust and not talking has become the household norm. Closing down feelings is likely a coping mechanism for the other family members to survive.
Common Traits of Adult Children of an Alcoholic
Just as alcoholic homes have common traits, adult children of an alcoholic are also likely to share common traits. Unpredictability from day to day and not having many social or emotional needs met consistently over time can be traumatic. While everyone’s individual experience is unique, some of the more common traits that often emerge are isolation, approval-seeking behavior, low self-esteem, fear of abandonment, a “victim” perspective, and fear of authority.
Each of these traits can manifest itself differently, which might make them harder to recognize. For example, someone seeking approval from others is likely to have a difficult time accepting criticism. They might blame the source of the criticism, or engage in emotional manipulation such as crying or the silent treatment.
Another example could be the impact of low self-esteem on romantic relationships, such as staying in an unhealthy relationship for too long or struggling to find positive ways to engage with a significant other.
If you are an adult child of an alcoholic and you recognize some of these traits and behaviors in yourself, do not feel embarrassed. Instead, work to identify and normalize them as much as possible. Growing up in an unpredictable environment that did not allow much space for trusting, talking, or feeling will create chronic stress and survival responses. Try instead to focus your energy on steps you can take to better manage and ultimately heal from your trauma.
Next Steps to Heal Trauma as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic
Despite the challenges that growing up in an alcoholic household brings, many adult children of alcoholics are highly resilient due to their experiences developing coping mechanisms and adaptability at a young age. As you think about your healing journey, know that you are an expert problem solver, and you can do this! Some practical next steps you can take include:
- Start rebuilding your self-esteem through positive affirmations, mindfulness, and hobbies and activities that bring you joy and confidence.
- Set health boundaries with toxic family members and work to prioritize your self-care with no guilt.
- Find or create a village of support who can understand and validate your feelings. You probably know more adult children of alcoholics than you realize.
Southern Sky Recovery Can Help
Finally, one of the best things you can do with your trauma is seek professional help. At Southern Sky Recovery, we understand how significant trauma from growing up in a home with alcohol misuse can be. We have compassionate, non-judgmental therapists who specialize in family dynamics and trauma. We provide evidence-based therapies, including EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), CBT (cognitive-behavioral therapy), and more. Your trauma does not define you, and healing is possible. Please contact us today to discuss strategies that can help you towards a happier and more fulfilling life.
